Its a Set Up! How your Choice of Situation is Far More Important than Any Other Decision

When you can't predict the future, the importance of choosing situations rather than fretting individual actions is crucial.

In First is the Worst, I talked about how human nature causes one's perspective and expectations to change when power is mixed in. In my view, there is something deep about human nature that leads to this phenomenon, and it applies to any influence we are exposed to, including when we are empowered.

So what do I mean when I say choosing situations should be the focus of concern rather than individual choices?

Well, to begin, when I say “situations,” I am referring to the environments, including location, people, and other forms of information, one is exposed to at a given time. A situation might be getting on an airplane, or going out to a bar to party. It could be hanging out with Joe and Jane, or dating Lisa. It could be watching CNN or spending most of your time on Facebook.

Regardless of the specific situation, my argument is that situations themselves set you up for certain outcomes. In terms of better or worse outcomes for your life, I am thinking of risky situations or beneficial situations. More importantly, how can I get a handle on setting myself up for meaningful outcomes according to my own wishes, rather than feeling trapped and “set up” by risky situations that end up in unfortunate outcomes.

Situations, More than Individual Choices, Drive Probable Outcomes

Every child has probably heard something along the lines of: “Don't go to such and such part of town, or “Don't go alone to such and such place at night.” The common warning from parents is an example of how avoiding risky situations can be much more effective than worrying about how to deal with a situation once bad stuff starts to happen.

The idea is if you avoid a high risk situation such as walking home alone in the dark at night, you are less likely to be bothered by those wishing to do harm.

This sort of situational management is central to my thoughts in this article. The idea is you set yourself up for failure if you put yourself in a high risk situation in the first place. Avoid the high risk situation and you do not have to worry about coping with all the specific ways shit could hit the fan.

Take drinking for example. Alcohol is not dangerous because I know for sure this time I drink something bad will happen, but rather because of the changes in behaviors it causes can set you up to get into bad situations. There can be countless times you drink and nothing happens. However, the behavior has to be seen as rolling the dice each time. You can set your life up around dealing with the dice roll, or you can just avoid rolling the dice altogether and not worry about it.

Before I continue, I thought I'd mention that I am not advocating for an overcautious state where you stay locked in your house in order to avoid risk. Everything, technically, is risky. I'm not advocating the avoidance of everything.

Rather, since life is short and we can only make so many choices, why not focus on minimizing outsized risks, while learning how to maximize rewards? Instead of avoiding all risky situations, be more thoughtful and strategic about what you are exposing yourself to.

Cut out those behaviors or activities you think have a large potential to affect your life negatively, and you free yourself up for more of the activities that contribute positively to your life. These choices may change and evolve over life too and the things you avoid at one point at time could be things you participate at others when the timing is better.

Again, its all about how you are managing things to your benefit to the best of your ability at the time.

So far, I've talked about how managing situations can set you up for avoiding unnecessary risks. But what forms can “situations” take. I've talked about the obvious physical actions like whether you drink or whether you go to a dangerous part of town or hang out with bad influences, but what about informational exposures? It seems clear to me that what we see, hear, and read can also be a major component of the probable outcomes in our thoughts and opinions, which drive our actions.

The phenomenon of what we expose ourselves to affecting our thoughts and ideas ties into why some people convince themselves the world is going to end tomorrow, that is the hyper-negative and pessimistic people who can't see a silver lining. Its hard not to feel that way if you watch 24/7 news all the time. News, especially bad news, draws eyeballs and so media outlet cater their coverage to meet our curiosity for negative information by showing us a lot of bad news.

Problems continually prop up. Concerned talking heads debate about how the choices being made are hypothetically inferior to their alternatives. The news needs to create news just as much as it needs to report on it.

We see this in how presidential candidates are prodded to sling mud at each other by journalists or why Donald Trump cannot seem to stay out of the news by being a continually burning dumpster fire, just hot enough to keep the cameras on him.

Mass shootings fall under this category too. Media outlets sensationalize and over report these shootings, a trend which many psychologists believe encourages more shootings to occur.

The internet is another good example of how your initial attention can shape what information you are exposed and how you shape your perspective and opinions on the world. The internet is arguably a place where you can find people to back up any perspective or opinion.

You think 9/11 might have been a conspiracy? Well, as long as you have that initial belief, there are countless websites ready to supply your attention with “facts” and opinions to reinforce your initial assumption.

How to weigh the quality of information should be taught in schools because the internet will likely reinforce whatever assumptions you have to begin with. This means the burden of censorship lies squarely on your shoulders. One should be very careful about what they are paying attention to online. If you are not diligent, your imagination can quickly be carried away to dark and misleading places just like when you watch the news too often or are always looking for ways the world will fail.

This is a sad way that life works because often an unbalanced negative view of the world signals serious mental health issues like depression. I know this was the case for me. When I was depressed, I thought the world was going to sh*t and everything around me sucked. What is sad is that in this state can reinforce itself as one seeks out more things that make you even more sad and apathetic.

How You Create Your Own Wants and Needs

Avoiding risky situations in our thoughts can also relate to how our attention can create and shape our wants and desires. I proved this idea to myself when I experimented with dating websites. In using the site, potential matches, real women, are presented to you as lines of images like Amazon shopping products. You click on a profile and, if you haven't decided your interest superficially from their still photo, you read a little of their profile resume and decide if you want to make contact.

It became very clear to me that anxieties surrounding romantic relationships and dating were heightened while using the dating website. Another way to put this is: I worried more about my relationship status while using these sites, than not.

Now, you may think it odd that simply using a dating website would itself encourage you to keep using the website and to remain insecure in your dating life. But, this was my experience. My initial actions to participate on the sites led to me worrying more about dating...most importantly, when it was unnecessary to do so.

Since deleting my account, I have thought significantly less about dating, and I am much more naturally secure in my relationship status- if only because I'm not prompted to think about it.

Out of sight, out of mind is real, in my opinion, and you can use harness it to improve your life!

This discussion reminds me of how advertising works. Advertising is very much about into sight, into mind. When you are scrolling your favorite websites online, you will see ads for products sellers think you might want. Sometimes this can be helpful by connecting you to items you actual could use. Most of the time, however, they are there to prompt you to think about them. If you think about those items, you are more likely to buy them, plain and simple.

Here again, we see how simple exposure to something like an advertisement is effective for changing your behaviors. Its no wonder we plow money into beauty products, status symbols, and other products when we are constantly being exposed to the idea that what we already have is not enough in advertising.

A Call for Intentionality and Putting the Odds in your Favor

Ok, so we can see a vague outline of what could be done to improve one's life. Pursue the beneficial situations, or at the least, eliminate the most obviously risky ones. No one is omniscient and we cannot totally predict what will happen by exposing ourselves to X, Y, or Z influence or event. However, we can gain some benefit from harnessing probability. Rather than rolling the die on risky or detrimental behaviors, we can focus on playing for the rewarding ones.

You may just end up feeling a little happier, a little more in control of your life, a little more relaxed. You may drink a little less, eat a little less fatty foods. You may decide not to talk to that toxic person when you thought of doing it and you may look a little less often for the negative shock and awe horrors that the news shows us everyday.

The important part is not perfection, but it is subtlety shifting the probability, so beneficial things, rather than detrimental things, come your way. I think this is the best we can do in life. It just takes a little intentionality- a little micro-intentionality. Don't be an empty vessel lost to the four winds.

Lay “traps” for yourself that surprise you in positive ways. Make yourself feel “set up” the next time something pleasantly surprises you. You may just find that little satisfaction of knowing you played a part in your own success- a feeling that drives you forward. And, even when the bad times inevitably come, allow yourself to connect the dots, so you can see what to avoid for next time, so you learn how to better play the odds. Before long, you'll start getting where you want to go. I guarantee it!   

Personal Choices Part 2: Why I am giving up alcohol, for good.

This is Part 2 of my “Personal Choices” series. Please read Part 1: The Problem with Prescriptions for Behavior, before reading this article for a discussion about how these choices are personal and not meant to imply you or anyone else should make the same choices.

I have decided to never drink alcohol again and I present the following reasoning to share my thought process:

First, I want to distinguish what I mean by giving up alcohol. I mean that I will not drink any ethanol containing beverage as an elective activity, which I think captures most instances of the use of alcohol. However, I am not talking about some draconian rule that rules out alcohol use for highly unusual reasons. If I need to amputate a limb in the wilderness and the only analgesic around happens to be a bottle of vodka, I will drink it to prevent excessive pain in an emergency. Also, if alcohol is used as a flavoring in food, this rule does not apply as the ethanol will likely be cooked off completely due to its low boiling point.

What about drinking in moderation versus full abstinence? This is an easy point to make. Many of the problems with alcohol I describe below are made even worse the more you drink. However, my opinion, now, is alcohol is completely unnecessary and I personally don't have any special reasons why I shouldn't just eliminate it entirely.

So why have I made this decision?

1) You can literally do everything you can do when you drink, while you are sober

Some of these beliefs sound stupidly self-evident, but they make deep sense to me. Alcohol does not grant you any special powers. It simply causes your brain and body to have skewed functioning for a time. Its easy for me to think sobriety involves full functioning of the body and mind. Whereas, alcohol is not a vitamin and there is no genetic reason why we need it in our diet. Thus, alcohol actually reduces our capabilities.

If I wanted to have the same “powers” that alcohol temporarily grants me, all the time, I'd take a baseball bat or ice pick to my brain and liver to get similar effects. Its an illusion that alcohol is beneficial for socializing with others, for instance. Objectively, our ability to socialize is best when our brain can tap into its full abilities to observe and interact with others. If you had a super computer that could hold conversations, would you pour syrup onto its motherboards or remove half of its RAM to help it improve?

I will not allow alcohol use to undermine my self-confidence and self-trust for this reason. I know I can have a good time without debilitating myself and reducing my self-awareness to get the job done. Alcohol is not an experience enhancer, it is an experience limiter.

2) Alcohol is literally a poison and puts the “toxic” in intoxicant.

Alcohol is a well-documented poison. It is known to cause systemic malfunction and damage to the body's tissues. Yes, our body, in the short term, can usually handle and heal from most of these insults, but why beat up the body like this, especially if it is unnecessary to live a full life? The liver, for example, is one of the body's most important filters and is crucial to metabolic functioning. Alcohol destroys the liver over time.

It seems odd to me that we would enjoy the secondary psychological consequences of this poisoning rather than be concerned more about alcohol's primary effects on the body. The toxic effects are so obvious to me in the classic hangover. Your body gets very ill if you drink a lot with nausea, fatigue, and memory loss common symptoms of this straight-up poisoning.

For men, the effects extend to the healthy functioning of our hormonal system. By literally poisoning the testicles, alcohol causes significant drops in testosterone levels a few hours after drinking, which do not fully recover until 36 hours later. Moreover, if you are a bodybuilder, alcohol is shown to prevent muscle growth.

Alcohol is not even that good at would we often use it for. Caffeine, as a stimulant, is actually better for improving the sort of cognitive function that may actually improve social experiences. If you want to relax, marijuana is much better at calming you down. Further, proper diet, sleep, and exercise is even more effective than any drug for achieving a higher quality of life- no really, it is that simple.

3) You lose access to your higher functions when you drink

This point ties into numbers 1) and 2), but I thought I'd mention it because it ties more into who you are rather than what physical experiences to you have and want.

Its been a fundamental belief for me, for a long time, that there is a higher/ideal self that we should seek to discover and bring out during the course of our lives. This is a very personal belief and I take it not on fact, but more on faith. Believing I am on the path for unlocking greater potential for myself is fundamental to how I hope to live my life.

Unfortunately, alcohol does not seem to help with this task. By modifying the functioning of my mind, it causes an artificial imbalance in the way I order myself. Lower levels of brain functioning are emphasized as the higher functions like those of the prefrontal cortex are suppressed. Yes, who we are is a combination of these higher and lower levels, so in one sense, operating from more base levels is still being you. However, I'd argue that the natural arrangement of these functions to each other is just as important, and alcohol disturbs this natural balance.

I think we are meant, in a natural sense, to have strong inhibitions. In fact, our inhibitions stem from the more complex, higher functioning of the brain- arguably the portion that makes us more human than a generic animal. As we know alcohol messes with these natural inhibitions and blurs boundaries in our mind. Is this inherently wrong? Probably not. But, does this disorder put us in the best state of mind and ability to healthily cope with things? I don't think so, either.

4) Its easy to name instances of where alcohol leads to self harm or harm towards others

This reason is probably the most “moralistic” for why I won't drink. Due to many of the reasons already discussed, alcohol is often involved when one makes choices that diminish ourselves and our potential, and impact others negatively. Alcohol use is highly correlated, in a disturbing way, with depression, suicide, sexual violence, and aggressive behavior.

On an even darker level, it is often the cause of fractured families and relationships which affect whole groups of people. Alcohol is involved with so many harms, both self-inflicted and interpersonal. Its hard enough as it is to be your best self, do we need the complications and distortions that alcohol causes mucking things up?

5) I straight up do not like the taste of alcohol

You may laugh at this one, but this is probably the reason why giving up alcohol will be easy. I, personally, have never liked its taste. It is way too bitter and overwhelming a flavor in my mind and its telling how much sugar, or other drinks, I usually need to cover up its taste. Why ingest something that is not even enjoyable to do so. As I've discussed, its not like alcohol is bringing any other magic benefits that might justify its use.

I know many people claim to enjoy alcohol's flavor...but, this has never been my experience.

6) Alcohol is a big money and time vacuum

Another fairly straight forward one. Alcohol is an expensive habit...why not save that money for something else. Moreover, all that time spent pregaming or being hungover could be used for other things. I don't know, this one seems like something a drunk person would understand, (“a no brainer” lol).

7) Alcohol is not who I am

As a child did you ever dream of spending your time getting drunk? Can you really say that alcohol use is part of who you are on a deep level, rather than an unnecessary hobby, at best, or self-poisioning/destruction at worst?

The person you are when you are drunk or drinking- are you proud of who that is? Do you think that person takes good care of you and others and makes prudent choices? Do you think that sacrifice of your true potential is worth it for a moment of “fun” or care(less)freeness?

I think I can do without and do just fine. We've all made mistakes and many of us have made mistakes under the influence of alcohol. We are always responsible for our behavior, even when drunk, so why set yourself up for having to take responsibility for your drunken actions when it is already hard enough to figure out how to be your best self and to make good choices when sober?

I am personally pledging to remove this source of unnecessary uncertainty and carelessness in my life. Life is too short already and I'd rather live it up according to my own standards, not according to the standard of enjoyment alcohol companies hope you accept. I'll have a heck of a time, because I will practice trusting myself to be fun and have fun without the need for alcohol to be involved.

If I am the only one who thinks like this than that is completely fine. I have no belief that this prohibition need apply to others. It is just part of who I wish to be going forward, and I think that person will be even better off with this decision. I choose to make this investment in myself, and I have faith that it will pay off.

Personal Choices Part 1: The Problem with Prescriptions for Behavior

So many prescriptions for behavior come across as universalizable statements: “I will never eat meat again” or “I will never have sex before I am married” or “I will never drink again” can easily come across as “You should also never do these things” or “Everyone should never do these things.”

I begin this series, “Personal Choices,” with this discussion because it is important that my ethical choices are presented here as a self-reflection, not as a declaration I am intending to say is right for anyone else.

The reasons I will give for my choices are personal, made from years of my own experience and expanding self-knowledge. I share them not to tell you what to do, but, like the rest of this blog, to show how I think.

Part of my intention with this series is to push back against the stereotypical way of sharing ethical opinions. Our well-intentioned religious and moral values too often come across as necessary for everyone. They are too often thrust upon us by external figures to put us into our place or to control actions. In my mind, any system of values that demands adherence betrays a severe insecurity. A strong, organic ethics should be able to tolerate dissension. Better yet, it should happily embrace it!

I believe one should beware an intolerance of others violating your own standards. You will find that an intolerance of others says more about you and your values than the other person, no matter how bad you think other's crimes might be.

I personally dislike objective morality because it fundamentally involves extrinsic motivations. Like so many things, values really only become consistent in my mind, if you make them your own or intrinsic. How much more meaningful is it to be told not to do something under threat of punishment versus not doing something because you have justified for yourself why it is wrong? I obviously believe internal justification is the true source of meaning for the individual.

I also believe every person has the right to dictate their own actions and how they order their own minds and bodies without the threat of violence/punishment. That said, if such actions result in a harm to others- even a harm that they did not recognize or do not see in the present- they must take full responsibility for their own actions. So many people have such an insecurity of their own value that they cannot bear to blamed for something they do not accept they did.

I think it shows someone of a high moral character to apologize for what they did by accident, negligence, or in sheer ignorant blindness. Its easy to apologize for things we agree we did wrong, but it takes a distinguishing humility, respect for others, and empathy to apologize for that we did not intend.

This distinction underlies the importance of principles like social justice. Yes, society has shaped the way we act and behave, allowing us to participate in social violences, but we cannot blame such forces alone in our own wrong doing. Somewhere along the line, we choose to participate in behaviors that reinforced standards of power and were careless in our thoughts and behaviors that set others and ourselves up for failure- even if we did not realize it at the time.

Returning to the general idea of Part 1, being told you will go to hell or are a terrible person for having sex or drinking alcohol is an external violence. The sad part, though, is these may be great ideas for an individual who is told them based on their own individual life story and unique personality. The problem is not the moral value in itself, it is that the moral value is coerced onto the person rather than presented for the person to accept or reject on their own.

I share my thoughts on abstaining from certain behaviors as an alternative way of sharing standards for behavior without intending my own choices to apply to anyone else. If I was the only one who had these values, it should not make a difference to anyone else, only, I hope, that my impact on the world is improved.

I present the following ideas in this series for you to accept or reject, in part or in whole. 

These are some of the questions I am asking. What questions are you asking?